Heya! I'm back again.

What made me come back and decide to write down my feelings, thoughts and my day was the thought that one day I might not even be able to do this anymore.

You'd think? What not be able to write or communicate how I feel is that even possible? Well, yes it is.

Recently my grandfather was admitted to hospital, on his birthday no less, so that was kinda miserable for him. He had a fall and fractured his leg, the same leg that got fractured many years ago due to a motorbike accident, so yeah old injury that got injured again. Anyway, as i was watching him in his hospital bed, lying there with his hands slightly shaking (he had a stroke before and ever since he lost full control over his left hand) i realised he couldn't really write anymore. He used to be able to write with beautiful handwriting that could put me to shame. Every christmas and birthday we would receive a card, although we live in the same country he liked to send cards.

I thought, he can't pen down anything anymore. What about moments he wants to remember, feelings he wants to express? He can speak just like you and me, but more and more, he's talking less and less. A kind of degeneration? Ever since my grandmother passed away one year and a day ago, he hasn't been himself. I guess it was really tough on him, he loved her very much.

But after watching him and thinking to myself, very soon he won't even be able to speak, and that's when it really hits you, hard. When humans cease to be able to communicate, the very thing that connects us as humans, we start to lose each other. I started to consider the possibility that my grandfather is slipping away from us. He's not seriously ill with like cancer or anything. But he has been through a lot.

A heart bypass, a stroke, multiple heart attacks, diabetes, and now this. Plus he's not been eating well recently, saying he's not been having an appetite.

I remember my grandmother didn't want to eat as well as she got weaker and weaker and finally slipped away.

But I'm not going to mope around or anything, i mean i'm just preparing myself for the inevitable. At the same time im praying really really hard. I know Jesus heals the sick, but if He wants you to be with Him now, you just have to accept it. In the bible, not one person who approached Jesus to be healed did not receive healing. Every single one who came forward was healed. So I will keep praying for my grandfather, and I believe Jesus heals.

But I'm writing this down because I want to document every part of my life from now on, nothing is to be left out. The thought that one day i won't be able to communicate makes me nervous and jittery. Can you imagine not being able to express yourself, hindered by mobility, hindered by illness.

I don't want to leave anything out because this will become a part of history. My history.

It may not be significant to the world, but it is to me, one day if my family or descendants ever read this, it will be significant to them. The life of Jacqueline Ambrose, documented.

So therefore I will be moving to a new blog address:

www.alifedocumented.blogspot.com

I think i've been dreaming long enough, destination-dream will not cease to exist, but it will end here. Finally a resolution to round everything up. A new blog to signify a new phase in my life. Past memories will not be forgotten, but remain exactly as they are: memories, to be remembered and smiled upon. Thank you all of you who are and were a part of everything that made me, me.

I can't believe the last time i blogged was in june...that was what...3 MONTHS AGO! Lol, as you can see i really can't keep a consistent update on my life.

Anyway, suddenly decided to blog today cuz i felt like i haven't done so in a longggg time. I have also fallen again, many many times we fall, and it's just so bloody painful, or like done something we really wish that we would stop doing. Addictions, old habits etc.

Finding strength in Jesus is the answer, no matter how many times you fall, be quick to come back to Him and really repent and mean it. He will forgive no matter what you've done, because this is the character of God. It may seem out of the question to some, or others who just cannot believe that such un-ending forgiveness exists. But, it all depends on your attitude. You must really want to repent and change. This touches God's heart when you seek Him with everything you are.

School's starting again soon in a couple of weeks. Next week i matriculate and get my timetable and everything. I'm a little nervous, cuz life is gonna change again. It's not necessarily bad, but it isn't definitely good either. I always get nervous about a little change. Don't get me wrong, i'm not resistant to change, it just always usually takes me some time to warm to things, i'm not the type of person to jump right into things...well not usually anyway. I have to be thoroughly convinced of the idea otherwise it'll take sometime for me to go along with whatever you have in mind.

Jesus is always good to me, slowly revealing little by little who he is, his ways and his heart. I am thankful for that. Looking back, it's really good for me that i came to RCC, without this link back to God, i would still be lost and wandering in the desert...maybe for another forty years if i wasn't careful. This link has grown into a warm family, a protection and a covering. I really thank God for them in my life.

Somehow you just find something missing deep down in the depths of you. TRUST ME, i know that feeling all too well. You feel like more, you just need more, more of what... you cannot explain. I used to feel that way, thinking that surely there must more than this to life, and so i sought adventure. If there was anything fun, i'd be there, always going for events, concerts whatever excitement i could find to feed that misconception.

But i finally realised that all i really needed was God, because no matter how much the flesh and soul is fed with things of this world, there is another element of us, our spirit, that cannot be satisfied by anyone else but God. It's just this way because He is our creator. Think of a newborn baby that is physically attached to the mother through the umbilical cord. Our spirit is that cord, but it can never be cut. Somehow through time, worldly influences and other distractions, we have forgotten that cord and He who created us. We've become deaf to His calling and voice. All we hear today is what we see, the physical. It's difficult because of the nature of our world today is as such. Big billboard advertisements, tv advertisements, television programmes etc bomb our minds every waking moment of our lives. But we can choose not to get influenced by shutting out all these and focusing on God any time of the day.

If you fall, look up to God and pick yourself up. Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction of darkness and into the marvellous, sparkling light of Jesus.

His brilliant light blinds you and everything else will fade away, and you realise, only God remains.

Everything's different, everthing's different, i am not the same.

Well, i know i haven't blogged in eons. That's because i didn't feel like it, i didn't want to and i didn't see the need to. I am amazed at people (namely mok and other committed bloggers) who can faithfully blog, day after day, even though there's nothing much to update about their lives. (Except for mok, who seems to make even her sometimes mundane life seem interesting.) I don't have that type of skill. Lol, for me if there's nothing much to update, i'll just not blog, as you all know VERY WELL:)

Well im blogging because i've received the greatest love of all. Now im not being preachy or anything, even if you think i am it doesn't really matter. The point is that God has changed my life so much. Remember reading all my emo posts, or sometimes even morbid and downright depressing ones? Well, i used to feel so empty that's why.

Life used to just be a great big Sahara for me, a desert with nothing, just lots of...space. It was empty and my life needed to be filled. So i started filling it up with so many different things. People, friends, family, a hobby, dramas and even at times, food. Anything to get me excited about something. To feel alive, like life was worth living. But sadly none of those things lasted.

We were created body, soul and spirit. And i found out the hard way, that no matter how this earth and the things on it can satisfy your body and even soul, your spirit will ALWAYS BE RESTLESS and UNSATISFIED. Yes, with food, material things, physical needs can be met with things from this earth. Even the soul can be fed, with books, music, people's emotions. BUT, there's something you'll always lack, it's like at the deepest part, there's something missing, a hole. And that is your spirit...starving. It can never be filled, except through the holy spirit, and only God can fill it up. Because we were made by Him, our spirit recognises our creator. It calls out to Him, hungry for Him, but we as humans cannot understand what that hunger, craving for something to be filled, really needs. We really need God.

For you see, we are wonderfully and perfectly made, although we sin and have imperfections, when we were created, we were perfect and awesome in God's eyes. But although we sin and become imperfect, we are made once again sinless and perfect through His blood that was shed for us. Now i know it all sounds very religious, blood shed for us. But when you try and think about realistically...someone died.

We all have either a close friend, family member or someone we know that has passed on. Yes, it's the same kind of death Jesus faced. It doesn't mean that just because He was the son of God, He felt any less pain, or went through any less torment. No, in fact, He faced more persecution and more torture than we can imagine. Because Jesus was human too. It's hard to fathom that the son of God would feel the same way we do, and go through the same things we experience. But i tell you this, He was human too and therefore he thoroughly understood every human emotion, pain and thought.

But can we understand Him? Yes, to a large degree, since Jesus was human himself, but it's hard to understand the full weight of what He went through, unless you have personally experienced it yourself. Can you imagine what it is like to be born, knowing that your purpose is to die? Knowing fully well that, in the end, you don't really know if they'll be grateful but you give your life to save others anyway? If i were to come up with a similar situation, it's like telling a girl/boy you love her/him with all your heart, but not being sure if she'll/he'll love you back, or reject you outright. That perhaps can give us an inkling of how Jesus felt. And yet because His father loved us beyond measure, Jesus too loved man and willingly gave up his life, so that we may receive salvation.

It's unthinkable...and yet it has been done.

Ever since i came back to God, He has blessed me in every way imaginable. But it's not simply about receiving blessings, the point is that He gives so freely, and loves so completely, it overflows. His overflowing love, you cannot contain. If you've been to church you've probably heard of the phrase, 'my cup overflows'

It's not only about His blessings, yes they overflow, but mainly it's about His love, which is in abundance. It's really awesome to have Jesus on your side. It's really amazing to have Jesus as your best friend, and it's really touching and comforting to have a God love you beyond reason and understanding.

For no other reason than that of love were you created, blessed, loved, comforted, protected, sheltered, and nutured. Everything was done, so you would feel loved, and naturally in return you would love Him back.

So yes, i have fallen in love with God. It may seem weird to some, but it's true. Its like loving your father or mother, almost the same kind of tender love, but not quite the same, it's stronger and even more tender. The kind that just escapes all words. It makes you want to cry, in disbelief, that someone can love you so much and so tenderly despite all you've done wrong. It makes you want to cry, because you're so touched that there is one person in the entire world that sees you for who you are, knows you to the depth of your soul, and still says, 'I will never let you go, my child, for you are so precious to me.'

Everyday my strength is renewed, everyday He is with me, at all times, during all hours of the day. Whenever i am lonely, he is there with me.

You know i told a few friends recently that i dislike driving alone because the car feels empty, i'd much rather have some company. But all the times i did drive alone, i wasn't completely by myself. I could feel his presence, and at once i relaxed, knowing that he is there for me.

My entire being is filling up slowly but surely. I have been so blessed after coming back to God. I used to feel aimless and bored. But now i know that i have a purpose in Jesus. I have something that i have to accomplish for him. And not because im-a-christian-therefore-i-have-to-do-some-mission-work-or-serve-him. But rather, because you love someone, you want to do all you can to show your love. And because the more you get to know someone, the more you understand their desires and hopes. And soon, they become yours too.

Therefore, the aim of this post wasn't simply to update you on my life. But i want to share the God i have experienced, i want you to know that you too could receive his overflowing love, and God's love is beyond any measure. He loves you nonetheless, regardless and irrevocably. There is nothing He cannot do for you. Trust me;) When God is on your side, no one can be against you.

Well, i have no idea when the next post is coming, so we'll just have to wait and see, heh. God's blessings be upon you all.

Don't forget that He is always there for you, waiting, simply waiting for you to call out to Him, and He cannot wait to give you a hug that means, 'Everything is gonna be alright.'

A delightful sip of wine
Burns a trail all the way down
To the deepest depths of one's heart

And when it arrives,
it pools into heavy matter
that weighs on one's heart
What is this tugging...

It doesn't hurt
But makes breathing difficult

I love this place
But it's haunted without you
My tired heart
Is beating so slow
Our hearts sing less
Than we wanted
We wanted
Our hearts sing 'cause
We do not know
we do not know

To light the night
To help us grow
To help us grow
It is not said
I always know

You can catch me
Don't you run
Don't you run
If you live another day
In this happy little house
The fire's here to stay

To light the night
To help us grow
To help us grow
It is not said

I always know


Nice song, i accidentally found it somehow. But i never noticed it during the movie Dear John...but it's a really nice song, with easy chords too. Haha, yeah been playing on sharanya's guitar.

Today i finally got my biometric passport like, after waiting for soooo long. Yesterday went down in the evening...BAD MOVE SIA. There were hoards of people, like in L4D with HOARDS of zombies. I seriously had the urge to pull out a katana and start slicing people. But of course i would have gotten thrown into jail.

But yeah, anyway after waiting ONE HOUR for my turn, the lady simply looked at my passport photo and said, this photo cannot la, hair touching eyebrow. WAH, IT WAS BARELY TOUCHING PLEASE. Sian, sian sian sian sian FEELING SIAN-DED. I went home quite irritated. But then i cooled down and just shook my head. SIAN. So today morning i went to take passport photo again, this time i was smarter, i went in the morning. The queue was WAAAAY SHORTER. Anyway, but i still had to wait an HOUR REGARDLESS. Why? Because collection of passport takes about an hour.

And they had a led system with scrolling messages like: Sms your Q number to see how long waiting time is. Or something like that. When i sent it...NOBODY REPLIED. Lol i feel like i wasted an sms. I felt like putting a sign underneath: 'Don't bother sending an sms, your query will not get answered anyway'

Lol, but yeah finally got my passport. It was due to expire this june. I need at least 3 months of validity in order to travel and it's already march. So, yeah i won't be able to leave the country unless i get my passport validated.

Anyway after that i sharanya for awhile and then we went for project meeting. Which was the same, but our schedule is lagging a bit. Like we're still on last week's agenda.

Okay, i feel guilty for not turning up for the last meeting...but i really wasn't in the mood last friday. IMPT DAY MA. Okok, not that it's to justify my absence, but luckily they were alright with it la.

Anyway, then supposed to meet viviena for dinner, but she was busy. Haha, nvm la next week la. Tmr afternoon meeting rystine and A1 peeps and RA, CAN'T WAIT:)

OH YES, before i forget...i'm starting piano lessons again...aiya, gotta finish what i started ma...no matter how long it takes me. This is something that i just gotta overcome. Just dreading the practising bit.

Okok, cannot blog for too long, must wake up early early tmr! HAha, by the way i posted a picture of my socks being aired by my fan. GENIUS RIGHT? HAha the best way to air your socks:)

Okay, goodnight people. Hope you have sweet dreams, wherever you are.